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But not this time. She grabbed a handful of my hair, pulled my head backso that she could stick her face into mine. I wasstunned by her outburst.‘Get the fuck off me! And get that shrivelled up shrimpdick out of me!’ Stunned, I rolled off her.‘Whaaa! What’s up Hunny?’‘You! It’s you what’s up! You have stolen a year of mylife. Twelve months wasted on your pathetic attempt atlove making. No! Not love making, just selfish sex.’‘But.. but I…’‘Shut the fuck up!’ She screamed at me as she broughther legs up and kicked me out of bed. ‘Go sleep in the guest room before I do you somedamage.’I slumped off to the other room dazed at this suddenturn of events. I had no idea she wasn’t happy.After a short while I was on my way to the bathroomwhen I thought I could hear her voice. I tiptoed up tothe door and listened. She was on the phone talking tosomeone.‘…I had had enough, after. I had held back everything I didn't want to say. I dangled hope in front of her, but with little room for negotiation.There was nothing pleasant or elevating about what I had just done. I had pummeled her with my words as surely as if I had used my fists. I could see the effect of my blows. After a while, she had simply absorbed them as I delivered. There was no sign of fight on her part.I should have felt better. I should have felt relieved, possibly even elated. I didn't. I did what I thought was necessary to shock my wife into thinking about us. Our marriage. Our relationship. Our future. I left her no way out. On Friday, I would probably know if we had any future.I thought about who I was and what I wanted. Did I want this marriage to continue? Did I love Edie? I deliberately avoided telling her I loved her. I wasn't sure myself and so it was better not to mislead her if I had lost that love. How would I know? I once read that the test for love was to imagine your life without.
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